Fostering Connection (In Relationships)
The concepts of "Turning Towards," "Turning Inwards," and "Turning Away" come from the work of Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher. These concepts are central to understanding how couples interact emotionally and how those interactions impact relationship satisfaction.
1. Turning Towards
This is a positive, supportive response to a partner's bids for attention, affection, or emotional connection. When one partner reaches out or expresses a need (through verbal or non-verbal cues), and the other partner acknowledges or responds with interest, empathy, or support, they are "turning towards" their partner.
Example: One partner says, "I'm feeling stressed today," and the other partner listens, asks questions, and provides comfort or validation. This strengthens the emotional bond between them.
Impact on relationships: Turning towards helps build emotional connection and intimacy. It fosters trust, understanding, and a sense of being cared for, which contributes to a stronger, healthier relationship.
2. Turning Inwards
This is when one partner withdraws into themselves rather than responding to the other’s emotional needs or bids. It can involve being distracted, self-absorbed, or emotionally unavailable. Turning inwards can sometimes look like ignoring or brushing off a partner’s attempt at connection or failing to engage emotionally.
Example: One partner mentions feeling stressed, and the other partner remains silent, distracted by their phone or their own thoughts. This lack of engagement can create feelings of neglect or disconnection.
Impact on relationships: Turning inwards creates emotional distance. Over time, if a partner consistently withdraws when the other seeks connection, it can lead to feelings of loneliness, resentment, and emotional disengagement.
3. Turning Away
This is a more negative response where one partner actively rejects or ignores the other's bid for connection. This can include dismissing, belittling, or even mocking the other partner's attempts at communication. Turning away is often seen as a form of emotional disengagement or avoidance.
Example: One partner says, "I had a tough day at work," and the other partner responds dismissively with, "Everyone has tough days, get over it," or simply ignores the statement entirely.
Impact on relationships: Turning away is the most damaging of the three responses. It signals a lack of interest, respect, and care for the partner’s emotional needs. Over time, this can erode the relationship, leading to increased conflict, alienation, and even relationship breakdown.
Key Takeaways
Turning Towards fosters connection and strengthens relationships.
Turning Inwards leads to emotional distance and disconnection.
Turning Away actively harms the relationship by rejecting emotional bids.
Gottman’s research suggests that couples who turn towards each other in response to emotional bids have higher relationship satisfaction and are more likely to have a stable, long-lasting relationship. Conversely, consistent turning away or turning inwards can be a sign of underlying issues that may need to be addressed.