Relationship Enhancers
At some point in our journey together, clients often express challenges in and / or a desire to improve their romantic relationships. John Gottman, a leading researcher in the field of relationships and marriage, offers a wealth of advice for improving relationships based on decades of research. His principles focus on building emotional intimacy, effective communication, and fostering positive interactions. Below are some key pieces of Gottman’s advice for improving relationships that I recommend to all clients:
1. Build a Culture of Appreciation
- Express Gratitude: Gottman emphasizes the importance of showing appreciation for your partner daily. Expressing gratitude and acknowledging the little things they do fosters positive feelings and connection.
- Turning Toward: When your partner makes a small bid for attention (like a comment or gesture), turning toward them (acknowledging it and responding with warmth) strengthens the emotional bond. This is more impactful than simply ignoring or turning away.
2. Master the Art of Communication
- Use "I" Statements: Instead of saying, "You never listen to me," reframe it as "I feel unheard when you don’t respond." This focuses on your own feelings rather than attacking the other person, which makes it less likely to trigger defensiveness.
- Avoid the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Gottman identified four destructive communication patterns that predict relationship breakdowns:
- Criticism: Attacking your partner’s character instead of addressing a specific behavior.
- Contempt: Mocking, ridiculing, or belittling your partner, which is the most damaging to relationships.
- Defensiveness: Responding to complaints with counterattacks or excuses instead of taking responsibility.
- Stonewalling: Withdrawing from the conversation or shutting down emotionally.
3. Enhance Emotional Intelligence
- Self-Soothing: Learn to manage your own emotional state before responding to conflict. Taking a break during heated moments (without stonewalling) can help both partners cool off and approach the issue more rationally.
- Empathy: Practice empathy by truly trying to understand your partner’s perspective. This involves not just hearing their words but understanding their emotional experience.
4. Create Shared Meaning
- Shared Goals and Values: Couples who succeed long-term often have a shared sense of meaning, which might include common goals, values, or rituals. Talk about your life dreams, hopes for the future, and align your plans.
- Rituals of Connection: Small, meaningful daily or weekly rituals—like a special greeting, a shared cup of coffee, or a weekly "date night"—help reinforce emotional connection.
5. Conflict Resolution
- The Magic Ratio (5:1): Gottman’s research shows that healthy couples tend to have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. This means that for every negative or critical exchange, there should ideally be five positive or affirming ones.
- Repair Attempts: A “repair attempt” is any action that de-escalates tension and signals an intention to resolve the conflict peacefully (like humor, a kind gesture, or an apology). Effective couples are skilled at making repair attempts and responding to them positively.
- Accept Influence: In a healthy relationship, both partners are willing to accept influence from each other. This doesn’t mean compromising your values, but it does involve respecting your partner’s point of view and being willing to adapt.
6. Create Positive Interactions
- Daily Check-ins: Gottman recommends regular “check-ins” where couples talk about their day, their feelings, and what’s going on in their lives. This keeps the emotional connection strong and ensures that both partners feel heard.
- Physical Touch and Affection: Regular physical affection (hugs, kisses, holding hands) promotes emotional bonding and strengthens the sense of safety and closeness in a relationship.
7. Be Open to Growth and Change
- Support Personal Growth**: Relationships flourish when both individuals are encouraged to grow as people. Supporting your partner in their personal interests, goals, and self-development can lead to greater mutual respect and satisfaction.
8. Work on Repairing and Managing Conflict
- Respect and Manage Differences: Some differences in relationships are inevitable. It's important to accept that not every conflict will be resolved, but it can be managed with respect and understanding. For instance, issues like different parenting styles or financial habits may not have perfect solutions but can be navigated with empathy and cooperation.
9. Develop Friendship
- Build a Foundation of Friendship: Gottman believes that a strong friendship is the foundation of a lasting relationship. This involves knowing each other’s likes, dislikes, dreams, and fears. Couples who are friends first tend to have healthier and more resilient relationships.
10. Don’t Take Each Other for Granted
- Stay Curious: Even in long-term relationships, partners should continue to ask each other about their thoughts, experiences, and feelings. This keeps the relationship dynamic and helps partners stay connected as they grow and change over time.
Final Thoughts:
Gottman’s research shows that successful relationships are built on a foundation of emotional attunement, kindness, mutual respect, and effective communication. Couples who learn to prioritize their relationship, handle conflict constructively, and nurture emotional intimacy tend to have healthier, happier partnerships.
If you would like assistance to enhance your relatinships or engage in some couples counselling, please reach out!